You don't leave the people you love alone

It always surprises me how people don't realise how much they have disappointed you.

It always surprises me how I still hold my heart in my hands.

It always surprises me how I still care even when I think I don't.

It always surprises me how I still care after getting burned.

It always surprises me how little I know about someone after getting burned.

It never surprises me how I barricade myself off after I'm burned.

Currently listening to: John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day

Getting older, but not any wiser

Almost 72 photographs of you and you and me and you, all of them gone just like that. They say everything happens for a reason.... I suppose I don't need more visual reminders.

If at first you don't succeed, you dust yourself off, push yourself back up and try again. I swear, the reason why we keep trying every time we get knocked down is for that pinnacle moment when you do get it right. For that moment when it feels like everything's seamlessly freefalling into place, and you could try your hardest to but you just can't wipe that silly big smile off your face. For that moment when you can breathe out a sigh and say "this is it". For joy.

And at that very moment... you'll know that it was all worth it.

Currently listening to: Fredrik - Alina's Place

It's all been done before

I can smell you on me.

Mornings smell good. The crisp, cold air intertwines with coffee molecules, fresh cologne and second-hand cigarette smoke. The sight of worker bees cupping a hot coffee in one hand, with white earphones sprouting out of their ears - I wonder what they're listening to, and a blank expression painted on their faces.

Evenings smell good. There is a mixture of fatigue and relief in the air... or maybe it's just me. There's a lot of hustling and shuffling, people just wanna get home. I smile as I walk past his poster - I always do. I bop a little to the random tunes that fill my ear, good choices make me grin from ear to ear. Minutes tick by and I begin to wonder as I transcend. The doors are pushed open as I make my way through the crowd, still bopping along. My iPod is secretly in love with me - its been playing exactly what I feel like in my current mood. Familiar faces. I stop for a chat, all the while still pondering. We bid goodbye and I continue on. I get a little nervous.

And there it was. Like sunshine after the rain.

Currently listening to: The All-American Rejects - I Wanna

Fog and frost from coast to coast

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story.

I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

你说你好累, 已无法再爱上谁..

I love you. It always seems to grab me by the neck when I'm hit by it - how it still stings, how the pain still lingers. It goes beyond all forms of logic. Everything in my body broke but I ignored the pain.. yet now and then I catch myself thinking "you know... it's not really that big a deal...." I'm worried for myself because I don't understand - I don't understand why. And it bugs me to my core. But I'm afraid to ask... because as she said, sometimes it's better to not know the ugly truth. And I know that's true. At the same time it frightens me to know that I was compellingly willing to endure because of how much I was in love with you. It was always so clear when it came to you. There was hardly any doubt. Any doubt that I have had was always just noise I generated... but I always knew. I knew. Clear as crystal. It consumed me. You blinded me. You were my drug. I started believing in "who cares less wins" to try to understand, to try to delay the inevitable... and that's just bullshit. I hate you.

Don't tell me you're going to heal me. Don't tell me it's going to be the best. I don't need fake consolation. If you can dish it then bring it.

It also bugs me that I'm so superficial. Fucking hypocrite. It's part of the package, she says. But surely you can't have it all, can you? Or can you?

Actually, you can.

I know what I want 30 years from now, but I don't know what I want now.

I'm starting to have an inkling though.. of days being cut loose, of giggles and ruffles, of nonchalant dirty glances and grins..

Look at this! All I do is whinge whinge whinge! Now I know why I don't write anymore.

Currently listening to: Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

I'm not sure if I saw this one coming

There's some form of congestion in my mind, some bizarre form of helplessness which I can't quite put my finger on. I'm starting to feel like things are spiraling out of my control, and that your hands are tightening around my neck even though I can still see them tucked into your pockets. I'm in limbo.

What's going on?

Currently listening to: King of Leon - Use Somebody

I saw this coming..

"Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone

I don't understand why you always have to be gone
I get along but the trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my way around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say

I miss you so"

Enough of this bullcrap

Ladies and gentlemen, the shit hath hitteth the fan-eth. I have reached my goddamn limit.

I don't deserve this kind of shit from you. And I'm going to stop taking it with both hands wide open starting from today. I don't need to have this kind of reliance on you. I can't believe I rely so much on you that it's reached the stage of being utterly pathetic and disgusting. To keep having to remind myself of the things you used to do, to keep having to console myself that it's not that bad and things will get better..... I'm just not going to give a shit anymore.

Of course I know you're not all that bad. Of course I know.

On another cold night like tonight, I'm going to stop wishing you were here. Why should I suffer alone when you're not suffering at all.

Currently listening to: Some pretty intense WoW action

This is fact not fiction

It saddens me so when you falsely claim that you know everything there is to know about women. If that were to be true, you would've done that. It may be silly, but a girl needs that from time to time. That is why you can buy flowers for as little as $2.50. How selfish are you to equate it into what you have visualized and blown out of proportion in your own head to prevent one's happiness. Do you not know by now that it, like many other things, goes so much deeper than that. Everything goes so much deeper when it comes to me.

We as human beings have grown to create and grow and sow expectations, which can be deprived from goals, which we are all encouraged to cultivate. What they have not told us about is how to pick yourself up after you get hurt, after you pick yourself up after a great bout of suffering. Instead, we are advised then to change our wanting. To change our way of wanting, our ideas of wanting, and our thoughts of wanting. That is just about as good as completely wiping out hope.

32 days into living without dead animals being introduced into my digestive system, I have started to connect deeper with souls. To all the cows, pigs, ducks, and chickens out there, I am truly sorry. Has the world paused to thank you properly for all that you have contributed to, and also to apologize properly for all that we have taken away from you?

Currently listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - A Lack of Color

Antidote 9: Relativity

Ask yourself if this situation is actually important enough to spoil your own and other people's mood. Is this problem worth getting upset in a life where death can hit me at any moment?

Try to become angry at the real reason: attachment, selfishness, inconsiderateness etc.

Currently listening to: Life passing me by

Can't you see there's no one around

Blow me a kiss from across the room
Say I look nice when I'm not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you're far away
Little things mean a lot

Give me a hand when I've lost the way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven't forgot
For always and ever, now and forever
Little things mean a lot

Currently listening to: Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Stop it, crybaby

You know I'm down in the dumps when I listen to Elliot Smith on repeat.

I never really realized it until she told me - I'm an outsider. I can't break through that wall. I can't get included, I can't participate, I can't get through. I don't feel the connection either.

I really miss that feeling of being able to talk to someone, and feeling like you've found yourself. That feeling of having too much to say to each other, all these well connected thoughts just free flowing and intertwining in the air. Never having to think to yourself 'okay, what should I say next' or 'hmm I don't know what to say now', and never having to sit through uncomfortable periods of silence. I really miss it. I feel all alone.

I'm sorry I was being a pain in the ass. It hurts me too. Sometimes I just feel so angry and disappointed at/in myself. I'm not a freak. I'm just a little strange sometimes.

You'd think a 22 year old would be able to contain and handle herself. But it actually goes so much deeper than that, more than you'll ever know.

Currently listening to: Elliot Smith - Between the Bars, which is the most depressing song ever

GGGRRRR

Yep, another angry post.

Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

And yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah somemore.

Gggrrrrrrr. Pfffffhhhhhtttttt. ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr yeah yeah yeah

Should currently be listening to: Anger management for dummies in mp3 format

I've learned to laugh through my tears

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away.

Yeah... let's try to find a sane man in this world today who would say those words.

Help. I'm trapped in SappyVile and I can't seem to leave. Some say I'm addicted to drama. Some say I'm simply too demanding. I just don't want to go to sleep angry anymore. I just don't want to wake up angry anymore. I just don't want to keep thinking about how angry and disappointed I am anymore. And I just don't want to walk around with tears in my eyes anymore. How about putting that theory to application, the one that states that the less you care the less you get hurt?

Sad and pathetic. That's what you are. Sad. Pathetic. Sad. Pathetic. I'm tired.. I'm tired...

Today's one of those damn days, when simple stupid things like smelling fresh flowers or seeing farm animals (furry lambs, piglets, cows, geese, goats, rabbits and guinea pigs) can put a smile on your face like it's the best thing that's happened to you for the whole week.

Completely unrelated, but do you know what really grabs my heart, yanks it out and squeezes it really hard until it's struggling to move, more than a small little wittle furry kitten stranded in the rain all by itself hungry and meowing and meowing and meowing ever could? That look. On a man's face. You know it when you see it. It's that look on his face when he's looking at her, and that look in his eyes. That look that tells her and you and everyone else that he's so insanely completely madly in love with her that nothing else in the world would ever, ever come anywhere close; that nothing else in the world means and matters as much as she does or would ever, ever come anywhere near. That look that tells her and you and everyone else that at that very moment, he's prepared to go through hell, to do everything he possibly could and more, and to be willing to give up his own life just to be there for her, just to spend his time being with her, just to grow old with her.

And it really sucks how it now always takes 1 to 2 hours of lying around in bed, tossing and turning, before I can fall asleep.

Currently listening to: Lifehouse - Breathing (such beautiful lyrics - Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright with me, I want nothing more than sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing, is where I want to be)

There is so much beauty in this world

A day of summer in the middle of spring? Couldn't believe how dry and windy it was. You're leaving all of us high and dry. And that bloody wind! I was thrown off my feet for two seconds when I turned a corner. I was under the misconception that it'd be a start to a very, very bad day at work, considering the mood I was in after the wind violently threw me around like a rag doll. But all in all, I'd have to say that today was one of the best days at work. I did nothing else apart from making drinks all day, and it was my good coffee day. Nothing but praises. Man I was getting really cocky.

Then there was that. Again. And then I wonder again. Why I bother. Why. Why. Why.

And the answer is that I don't know.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh weeeellllllll.

As I felt rain falling onto my face while walking home, I realized I'd forgotten how refreshing it was and how much I used to love walking in the rain. And standing in the rain. I stood still in the middle of the street I live on for half a minute, with two bags of heavy groceries in each hand.

Then I wondered what the hell I was doing, and continued walking.

Currently listening to: Zero 7 - In Time

Please come back home

She said "Some days I feel like shit
Some days I wanna quit
And just be normal for a bit"

I'm definitely not the best advisor around. I'm always tongue tied, always grabbing random bits of words from jumbled up thoughts to string them into sentences that may not make sense in my own head, let alone after I stutter them. And I'll pull a gobsmacked, puzzled expression. No, not very good.

I'm definitely not the best listener around, either. Sure, I'll look at you with empathy-lined eyes and nod at appropriate moments. Then your words may get criss-crossed with my thoughts, and it starts blurring up. But people expect you to say things. People expect you to be the saviour, to be the miracle holder, to somehow make everything okay again. No, not very good either.

But hell, if there's one thing I pride myself with, is being there. There. Mentally, emotionally, physically, there. Available. I'd drop everything and absolutely everything to be there. Being there may not be very much, but it's the best I can do. It may mean nothing to someone who needs words at such a time. And heck, you may not even notice that I'm there. But hey, I'm right there next to you, even if I don't understand. With arms wide open, my eyes watching yours, ready to continue staying there.

Currently listening to: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

I am indeed content

Sometimes we don't realize how much of a good thing we have, until err we realize how much of a good thing we have. It was when I was walking home after a long day at work that your song started to play on the iPod.. and how those words filled the void in my ears.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didn't believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

Then I started smiling to myself. I started smiling like a retarded idiot like this :D :D :D :D :D. All the way home. Heck, my walk even turned into a stroll in slow motion just so that I could finish listening to the entire song before I got home. When I was 2 minutes away from home, I saw an elderly couple in an old vintage Morgan, both of them looking in wonder at a new hangout in the city. I smiled even wider. Ooh and I was walking behind an elderly couple that had their hands held tightly onto each other's this afternoon as I was rushing to work. It was so sweet.. and it made me smile.

I'm going to try my absolute hardest to not stuff this one up. I promise.

Currently listening to: Nothing! :D Apart from the whirring of my hearter :D

Little girl lost

Hurrah for making me feel like shit again! The last post was too cheery anyway. Back to my old cynical, bitter self.

You just like to come around to bite me in my non-existent rear once in a while to keep me on my toes, don't you. Why do you do this? It's amusing that someone who appears as aloof and confident can have such self-esteem issues. I don't know why you do this. Why you just can't accept that there were others, that others were better, that others may be better. You're not the only special one. Why do you do this to yourself. It's always someone else. There's always someone else. Someone's, something's always there to kick you off your horse.

Listen, you bitch. Stop it. Friggin stop it! MMmmmm feel the peace.

So many years of this shit.. you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Self-pity. The concept of ugliness. Fug. Mug. Eww.

Currently listening to: Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back

Finger-licious fun!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone
As closed down as I am sometimes

I am the funniest woman that you have ever known
I am the dullest woman that you have ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you have ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
As everything as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I remember lying in bed awake, on the first night the first time I was no longer single. I remember feeling so ecstatic, so insanely happy that I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was just lie there, with a smile on my face stretching from one ear to the other, thinking about how delariously happy I was. I remember I prayed that night, for everyone in the world to be able to experience the same amount of happiness I was feeling for at least once in their lives.

That night seems like light years away. During those years, I've grown up (well, a little), I've grown paranoid, I've become wary, I've become jaded, and I've developed passive aggressiveness. But I've never stopped smiling. And neither should you. Smile at idiots. Smile at faggots. Smile at imbeciles. Just keep smiling. And of course, it helps to be in the service industry. A permanent fake smile and faux cheeriness is always retrievable.

I no longer find myself lying in bed awake, due to being overly happy, but rather due to recollecting unspoken words and unspoken thoughts, or reflecting on recent events, which usually lead to other random bits and pieces, which may end up pissing myself off and result in me having difficulty to fall asleep because I'm scared I'll start dreaming about these things that piss me off. But most of the time, I lie there feeling grateful. To be able to love. To be loved.

Tomorrow's a brand new day.

Currently listening to: Antonio Carlos Jobim - Wave

What's for dinner?

I'm still learning things I ought to know by now. I need something more to show, somehow.

It's one of those love-hate relationships that you just can't justify. One minute you're up and about, the next you're down in the dumps. Then the mystical waters of heaven start to overflow. How does one keep up? How do you keep up? How do I, myself, keep up?

I feel like a punching bag for myself sometimes. So many moments slip by and become lost in time without the appreciation of anyone else apart from mine, like tears in rain. Or tears in the shower. Heh. Mind the pun.

And is that all that I need? Some phony consolation that I'm all you'll ever need, that you'll never find another, that I'm the best that you've had, that I complete you, that I make you so fuckin happy that you've never been happier? Really? Is that all that I fucking need?? I know it's not - because I'm not, and because I don't. And you can't lie to yourself enough to bring yourself to say that.

I'm contemplating. Will I end up receiving such a nasty shock that I accidentally kick her in the head as reflex?

Hahaha this song is so trippy. Yes people, 3 x 1 is 3.

Currently listening to: Embrace - Three is the Magic Number

Cracking at the seams

2: Sigh.

1: Oh boy what's wrong now.

2: Why does this always happen.. why does he always piss me off?

1: Hon, that's because you allow him to piss you off.

2: And he doesn't care. He just doesn't care.. he just doesn't bother! There is no effort anymore.

1: You think he doesn't care? Then why is he still with you.

2: Routine. That's why.

1: Silly rabbit. You have to see through all that.

2: Bah. And when I have a problem, it's always MY friggin problem. He just leaves me to it and gradually fades away. He's not there for it, or for me. He doesn't care enough to make it OUR problem.

1: Maybe he's selfish. Or doesn't know what to do. Or stupid.

2: My friend's boyfriend takes all her problems and turns them into "their" problems..

1: Well lucky for her.

2: And he's just so.. childish, sometimes.

1: Boys are boys, you know.

2: And I just can't win. I can't win. I can't even come close to winning. And it's so frustrating. It's like the first time I've been thrown into a competition where I just can't win.

1: What makes you think you're not winning?

2: Feelings. From what I get. And even if I'm winning, I'm not friggin told that I've won. Nothing's announced. Heck the announcer is always unpleasantly quiet when it comes to these things.

1: Hon, maybe you have to tell him. Tell him you want to talk more about these things.

2: I'm too chicken shit.

3: Look, you two, men are insensitive, hurtful creatures that are dumber than you think and they deserve to be kicked, while women are just emotional idiots who make ten thousand mountains out of one molehill. Lighten up.

She's like putty in your hands sometimes. So weak and vulnerable to your moulding. It's so goddamn pathetic and shameful.

Please bring her back to the good times. When you used to be nice. When you used to be sweet. When you used to try a lot harder.

Currently listening to: Dishwalla - Angels or Devils