Antidote 9: Relativity

Ask yourself if this situation is actually important enough to spoil your own and other people's mood. Is this problem worth getting upset in a life where death can hit me at any moment?

Try to become angry at the real reason: attachment, selfishness, inconsiderateness etc.

Currently listening to: Life passing me by

Can't you see there's no one around

Blow me a kiss from across the room
Say I look nice when I'm not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you're far away
Little things mean a lot

Give me a hand when I've lost the way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven't forgot
For always and ever, now and forever
Little things mean a lot

Currently listening to: Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Stop it, crybaby

You know I'm down in the dumps when I listen to Elliot Smith on repeat.

I never really realized it until she told me - I'm an outsider. I can't break through that wall. I can't get included, I can't participate, I can't get through. I don't feel the connection either.

I really miss that feeling of being able to talk to someone, and feeling like you've found yourself. That feeling of having too much to say to each other, all these well connected thoughts just free flowing and intertwining in the air. Never having to think to yourself 'okay, what should I say next' or 'hmm I don't know what to say now', and never having to sit through uncomfortable periods of silence. I really miss it. I feel all alone.

I'm sorry I was being a pain in the ass. It hurts me too. Sometimes I just feel so angry and disappointed at/in myself. I'm not a freak. I'm just a little strange sometimes.

You'd think a 22 year old would be able to contain and handle herself. But it actually goes so much deeper than that, more than you'll ever know.

Currently listening to: Elliot Smith - Between the Bars, which is the most depressing song ever

GGGRRRR

Yep, another angry post.

Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

And yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah somemore.

Gggrrrrrrr. Pfffffhhhhhtttttt. ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr yeah yeah yeah

Should currently be listening to: Anger management for dummies in mp3 format

I've learned to laugh through my tears

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away.

Yeah... let's try to find a sane man in this world today who would say those words.

Help. I'm trapped in SappyVile and I can't seem to leave. Some say I'm addicted to drama. Some say I'm simply too demanding. I just don't want to go to sleep angry anymore. I just don't want to wake up angry anymore. I just don't want to keep thinking about how angry and disappointed I am anymore. And I just don't want to walk around with tears in my eyes anymore. How about putting that theory to application, the one that states that the less you care the less you get hurt?

Sad and pathetic. That's what you are. Sad. Pathetic. Sad. Pathetic. I'm tired.. I'm tired...

Today's one of those damn days, when simple stupid things like smelling fresh flowers or seeing farm animals (furry lambs, piglets, cows, geese, goats, rabbits and guinea pigs) can put a smile on your face like it's the best thing that's happened to you for the whole week.

Completely unrelated, but do you know what really grabs my heart, yanks it out and squeezes it really hard until it's struggling to move, more than a small little wittle furry kitten stranded in the rain all by itself hungry and meowing and meowing and meowing ever could? That look. On a man's face. You know it when you see it. It's that look on his face when he's looking at her, and that look in his eyes. That look that tells her and you and everyone else that he's so insanely completely madly in love with her that nothing else in the world would ever, ever come anywhere close; that nothing else in the world means and matters as much as she does or would ever, ever come anywhere near. That look that tells her and you and everyone else that at that very moment, he's prepared to go through hell, to do everything he possibly could and more, and to be willing to give up his own life just to be there for her, just to spend his time being with her, just to grow old with her.

And it really sucks how it now always takes 1 to 2 hours of lying around in bed, tossing and turning, before I can fall asleep.

Currently listening to: Lifehouse - Breathing (such beautiful lyrics - Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright with me, I want nothing more than sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing, is where I want to be)

There is so much beauty in this world

A day of summer in the middle of spring? Couldn't believe how dry and windy it was. You're leaving all of us high and dry. And that bloody wind! I was thrown off my feet for two seconds when I turned a corner. I was under the misconception that it'd be a start to a very, very bad day at work, considering the mood I was in after the wind violently threw me around like a rag doll. But all in all, I'd have to say that today was one of the best days at work. I did nothing else apart from making drinks all day, and it was my good coffee day. Nothing but praises. Man I was getting really cocky.

Then there was that. Again. And then I wonder again. Why I bother. Why. Why. Why.

And the answer is that I don't know.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh weeeellllllll.

As I felt rain falling onto my face while walking home, I realized I'd forgotten how refreshing it was and how much I used to love walking in the rain. And standing in the rain. I stood still in the middle of the street I live on for half a minute, with two bags of heavy groceries in each hand.

Then I wondered what the hell I was doing, and continued walking.

Currently listening to: Zero 7 - In Time

Please come back home

She said "Some days I feel like shit
Some days I wanna quit
And just be normal for a bit"

I'm definitely not the best advisor around. I'm always tongue tied, always grabbing random bits of words from jumbled up thoughts to string them into sentences that may not make sense in my own head, let alone after I stutter them. And I'll pull a gobsmacked, puzzled expression. No, not very good.

I'm definitely not the best listener around, either. Sure, I'll look at you with empathy-lined eyes and nod at appropriate moments. Then your words may get criss-crossed with my thoughts, and it starts blurring up. But people expect you to say things. People expect you to be the saviour, to be the miracle holder, to somehow make everything okay again. No, not very good either.

But hell, if there's one thing I pride myself with, is being there. There. Mentally, emotionally, physically, there. Available. I'd drop everything and absolutely everything to be there. Being there may not be very much, but it's the best I can do. It may mean nothing to someone who needs words at such a time. And heck, you may not even notice that I'm there. But hey, I'm right there next to you, even if I don't understand. With arms wide open, my eyes watching yours, ready to continue staying there.

Currently listening to: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

I am indeed content

Sometimes we don't realize how much of a good thing we have, until err we realize how much of a good thing we have. It was when I was walking home after a long day at work that your song started to play on the iPod.. and how those words filled the void in my ears.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didn't believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

Then I started smiling to myself. I started smiling like a retarded idiot like this :D :D :D :D :D. All the way home. Heck, my walk even turned into a stroll in slow motion just so that I could finish listening to the entire song before I got home. When I was 2 minutes away from home, I saw an elderly couple in an old vintage Morgan, both of them looking in wonder at a new hangout in the city. I smiled even wider. Ooh and I was walking behind an elderly couple that had their hands held tightly onto each other's this afternoon as I was rushing to work. It was so sweet.. and it made me smile.

I'm going to try my absolute hardest to not stuff this one up. I promise.

Currently listening to: Nothing! :D Apart from the whirring of my hearter :D

Little girl lost

Hurrah for making me feel like shit again! The last post was too cheery anyway. Back to my old cynical, bitter self.

You just like to come around to bite me in my non-existent rear once in a while to keep me on my toes, don't you. Why do you do this? It's amusing that someone who appears as aloof and confident can have such self-esteem issues. I don't know why you do this. Why you just can't accept that there were others, that others were better, that others may be better. You're not the only special one. Why do you do this to yourself. It's always someone else. There's always someone else. Someone's, something's always there to kick you off your horse.

Listen, you bitch. Stop it. Friggin stop it! MMmmmm feel the peace.

So many years of this shit.. you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Self-pity. The concept of ugliness. Fug. Mug. Eww.

Currently listening to: Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back

Finger-licious fun!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone
As closed down as I am sometimes

I am the funniest woman that you have ever known
I am the dullest woman that you have ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you have ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
As everything as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I remember lying in bed awake, on the first night the first time I was no longer single. I remember feeling so ecstatic, so insanely happy that I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was just lie there, with a smile on my face stretching from one ear to the other, thinking about how delariously happy I was. I remember I prayed that night, for everyone in the world to be able to experience the same amount of happiness I was feeling for at least once in their lives.

That night seems like light years away. During those years, I've grown up (well, a little), I've grown paranoid, I've become wary, I've become jaded, and I've developed passive aggressiveness. But I've never stopped smiling. And neither should you. Smile at idiots. Smile at faggots. Smile at imbeciles. Just keep smiling. And of course, it helps to be in the service industry. A permanent fake smile and faux cheeriness is always retrievable.

I no longer find myself lying in bed awake, due to being overly happy, but rather due to recollecting unspoken words and unspoken thoughts, or reflecting on recent events, which usually lead to other random bits and pieces, which may end up pissing myself off and result in me having difficulty to fall asleep because I'm scared I'll start dreaming about these things that piss me off. But most of the time, I lie there feeling grateful. To be able to love. To be loved.

Tomorrow's a brand new day.

Currently listening to: Antonio Carlos Jobim - Wave

What's for dinner?

I'm still learning things I ought to know by now. I need something more to show, somehow.

It's one of those love-hate relationships that you just can't justify. One minute you're up and about, the next you're down in the dumps. Then the mystical waters of heaven start to overflow. How does one keep up? How do you keep up? How do I, myself, keep up?

I feel like a punching bag for myself sometimes. So many moments slip by and become lost in time without the appreciation of anyone else apart from mine, like tears in rain. Or tears in the shower. Heh. Mind the pun.

And is that all that I need? Some phony consolation that I'm all you'll ever need, that you'll never find another, that I'm the best that you've had, that I complete you, that I make you so fuckin happy that you've never been happier? Really? Is that all that I fucking need?? I know it's not - because I'm not, and because I don't. And you can't lie to yourself enough to bring yourself to say that.

I'm contemplating. Will I end up receiving such a nasty shock that I accidentally kick her in the head as reflex?

Hahaha this song is so trippy. Yes people, 3 x 1 is 3.

Currently listening to: Embrace - Three is the Magic Number

Cracking at the seams

2: Sigh.

1: Oh boy what's wrong now.

2: Why does this always happen.. why does he always piss me off?

1: Hon, that's because you allow him to piss you off.

2: And he doesn't care. He just doesn't care.. he just doesn't bother! There is no effort anymore.

1: You think he doesn't care? Then why is he still with you.

2: Routine. That's why.

1: Silly rabbit. You have to see through all that.

2: Bah. And when I have a problem, it's always MY friggin problem. He just leaves me to it and gradually fades away. He's not there for it, or for me. He doesn't care enough to make it OUR problem.

1: Maybe he's selfish. Or doesn't know what to do. Or stupid.

2: My friend's boyfriend takes all her problems and turns them into "their" problems..

1: Well lucky for her.

2: And he's just so.. childish, sometimes.

1: Boys are boys, you know.

2: And I just can't win. I can't win. I can't even come close to winning. And it's so frustrating. It's like the first time I've been thrown into a competition where I just can't win.

1: What makes you think you're not winning?

2: Feelings. From what I get. And even if I'm winning, I'm not friggin told that I've won. Nothing's announced. Heck the announcer is always unpleasantly quiet when it comes to these things.

1: Hon, maybe you have to tell him. Tell him you want to talk more about these things.

2: I'm too chicken shit.

3: Look, you two, men are insensitive, hurtful creatures that are dumber than you think and they deserve to be kicked, while women are just emotional idiots who make ten thousand mountains out of one molehill. Lighten up.

She's like putty in your hands sometimes. So weak and vulnerable to your moulding. It's so goddamn pathetic and shameful.

Please bring her back to the good times. When you used to be nice. When you used to be sweet. When you used to try a lot harder.

Currently listening to: Dishwalla - Angels or Devils

AGGROOOOOOOOOOOOO

Fucking gotta get rid of this tightness across my chest it's fucking killing me.

This is retarded. How much, how hard do I have to kick you to get you to love me.

Is it really that hard to love me.

Can't you see. Can't you see. CAN'T YOU SEE.

Nothing seems to matter to you.

And when I try, it makes me feel like a retard with no arms, trying to cling on to someone that's not even really there.

Fucking hell.. and how many times does the same company want to keep rejecting me. One rejection letter is more than enough thank you very much, but nooo they keep telling me I've been rejected. Twice. Three times. Four times.

Whenever I'm agitated, I start pulling at my hair. I pull, tug, scratch my scalp, run my fingers through it in an infinite loop, and pull even more. Imagine my horror half an hour later of doing so and looking down at my lap, to a massive massive pile of hair *cries*

Currently listening to: Zero 7 - In Time

We didn't get it together did we

我们俩之间为什么经常有冷战？

究竟是哪方太容忍？还是哪方太委屈？

I just keep tripping, and tripping, and tripping. And keep burning myself over and over again. Oh joy. Will I never learn.

Come on. You just cbf. Cbf. You cbf. I cbf. Everyone cbf.

On the other hand, I may have just found my wedding song!

Currently listening to: The Killers - Mr Brightside

Ouch hurt myself again today

Funny isn't it. Funny.

Yeah that's funny too.

It's getting easier and easier to put one foot in front of the other. To walk away.

Then why isn't it getting any easier to not cry like a fucking pathetic weakling.

I grew up but didn't know.

I know you'd rather see me gone, than see me away.

Currently listening to: Elliot Smith - Miss Misery

You POS

I fucking hate you. You're so superficial.

You fucking weakling. Weak. So very weak. You're so much stronger, so much tougher, than you think you are but you never seem to show or believe it.

Again. It's reached a point where you just don't bother to ask what's wrong anymore. AGAIN.

My God you're useless.

Currently listening to: Zero 7 - In Time (this is one of the few songs that can calm me down)

I'm in over my head

I hate it when I'm in too deep. As much as I love it, I hate it. I hate it when you've become my coffee. I hate it when every little thing you do, when every little thing you don't do, when every little thing about you, bothers me to my core. I hate it when everything about you affects me. I hate it when, just like coffee, you make my heart beat faster. I hate checking my phone constantly for nothing. I hate thinking I'm seeing my MSN tab blink when it's not. I hate it when you've become part of the air that I inhale and exhale.

Currently listening to: U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own

No tears over spilt milk..

Some people build up walls around themselves..

Just to see who would bother enough to knock them down.

Currently listening to: Groove Armada - At the River

Sober and unkissed

"It's not a competition."

Yeah right! We all say that. And we all know we're lying.

Currently listening to: Sia - Sunday (because it's Sunday)

You're so damn hot

It feels like an oven in here. It's absolutely boiling. I've been turning, flipping, feels like I'm tripping, I've been trying to sleep, but it's too bloody hot.

Ah. Women. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. Crying, as usual. As much as I don't like to say it's usual. She's actually, seriously, looking for someone who'll say to her "I want to spend every second of every day with you". Sure it's sweet and all, but.. seriously?! I asked her, don't you want your man to have a life. She said, I guess we have different wants from men. And then she goes back to her idealized fantasies of how men should all be like him. As sad as it is, I used to want a piece of that. I used to believe in that. But of course, life just likes to come around to kick my ass at random intervals in time and I have either 1) awoken and smelt the fresh coffee, or 2) I have slammed the door and am refusing to even open the window. It's quite sad.

Is there some sort of unwritten rule, that you can't repeat the actions you've done for a previous partner? That you can't go back to the same restaurant you've been to? That you can't go back to the places that remind you of them? Then what happens, if you find the right one for you after many years, but find you have nothing left to do for them, because there are invisible signatures on everything?

It's like these unspoken words and unspoken thoughts. You try not to speak of them. You know, to prevent the same shit from repeating, same fights from occuring, or something. So what happens. Then what do you do. You push. Push. Cram. Imagine pounding each little thought into baby square cubes, and then you smooth them out, rough out the edges, simply to ease the agitation, to allow more time. And you slide these thoughts to the back of your head, straight into the room of Unspoken Words Unspoken Thoughts and you lock the door. One of these days.. the creaking on the door will become louder and louder, the seam's simply trying to hold everything together. It's crazy.

Because we all just want to be loved in the end.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats; who holds you hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, '..that's her.'"

Currently listening to: Wang Lee Hom - Kiss Goodbye