She's just another one of those

Shedding light on recent events. I'm sucked in my whirl of contradictions once again.

They're always there. They're always there.

Money can't always buy things. Or maybe you don't want to use money, for a change. And so you perform. Is that the way to go? And seriously. Is that what it has all become? That's all there is to it.

And then I think about what I have in comparison. It just seems so utterly silly. Absolutely silly. Is that the best I can do? And what if it is? Is that consoling or ridiculous?

Then you crumble in a heap. There's something missing. It's been missing all along and it hasn't become any better.

There's something strange that I can't really figure out. I think it's motivated amnesia. Memories of my childhood, my early teenage stages, all very vivid and clear in memory. Heck I can remember what I was doing when I was 3. Then ask me how the past few years have been. I stammer. Some events I could even make up on the spot, and I'd actually believe myself that they happened. Or the other way around. I struggle to recall, to remember. The helplessness is so draining.

One of the things I adore in life. Being able to talk to someone, to share ideas, to laugh your head off, to appreciate the same level of brilliance, to feel like you've found a home, to be never at a loss for words, to be fascinated, and to lose yourself. That deep, invisible connection. Absofuckinglutely beautiful. Brilliant.

Currently listening to: Luna Sea - 400am