Runaway run

I have half a heart to just run away and leave everything behind.

Everything.

My suitcase overflowing with memories. My Louis Vuitton bags. My $3000 coats. My collection of diamond jewelry. My Tiffany & Co. collection. My wardrobe filled with a mixture of ridiculously expensive clothing and cheapo pieces of cloth. My collection of shoes. My Gucci glasses. My N. V. Perricone cleanser. My Cellex-C cleanser. My Ultraceuticals moisturizer. My Ultraceutical serums. My Chanel serum. My Origins eye cream. My Stila tinted moisturizer. My Origins tinted moisturizer. My stupid big tub of sunscreen. My Chanel face mask. My Christian Dior face mask. My Origins face masks. My Origins face scrub. My Darphin skincare products. My Tommy Hilfiger body cream. My Philosophy body spray. My Origins body spray. My Aesop hand cream. My Shu Uemura mascara. My Shu Uemura eyelash curler. My MAC eyeshadows. My Stila eyeshadows. My Calvin Klein eyewashes. My Stephane Marais eyegloss. My Chanel eyeliner. My Benefit cheek stain. My Nars blush. My Becca blush. My Stila blushes. My Stila lipglazes. All my goddamn Stila stuff. My Lancome lipglosses. My Bloom lipglosses. My Tony & Tina lipglosses. My Prescriptives lipglosses. My Kanebo liipglosses. My Laura Mercier lipglosses. My MAC lipglasses. My Prada lipbalms. My Clinique lipbalms. My Laura Mercier lipbalm. My Toni & Guy hair products. My Kerastase hair products. My Sebastian hair products. My Crabtree & Evelyn comb. My Vidal Sassoon brush. My pink Colgate toothbrush.

Fucking hell. I just realized I have some of the best stuff in their categories in the world. Why the hell was so much money spent on all that crap??

It's 7:02am. I don't know why I'm not asleep yet. Maybe I don't want to wake up. Maybe I don't want time to go by so quickly when I'm asleep.

I want to run away from home. Walk the streets. Go somewhere where nobody knows me. And where nobody looks at me.

She once told me, it's not all that easy if you're born pretty like me. People look at you. You can twist people around your little finger. You can break hearts easily. Some people feel intimidated. Some people hate you. Some people want to ruin you. Some people want to watch you fail. Some people want to own you. Some people want to show you off as their trophy. Some people want to claim you as their property. Some people think you don't have a brain behind your pretty face. Some people just want to go to bed with you. Some people want to suck up to you. Some people just stare. Some people just refuse to let you go because you're the best thing that's ever happened to them.

I guess part of what she told me was true after all. But I still don't think I'm pretty. Occasionally I'll think I'm lookable.

"You're too nice," she often told me too. "Don't be too nice."

I'm such a mess, even though you don't know it.

No, not you. You fuckhead. I hate you. I fucking despise you. I don't want to see you ever again. I hate being restricted by you. I hate being controlled by you. I hate how you know almost everything about me. I hate how you know things about me that nobody else does. I hate how you threaten me and know that I'll succumb. Remember how I used to wish that you would get knocked down by a car? Or killed by SARS? Or killed in a car accident? God forbid, I still do.

When I saw you again in July, I swore I didn't want to have anything to do with you anymore. I saw how fucked up you were and how you tried to drag me down with you. You even had the nerve to tell my friends off. Why the hell didn't I keep to that? Why the hell did I answer your call? Why the hell did you call me after you lost all that money? Why the hell did you think of me in the first place? Why is it everytime I stand up for myself, you always have some way to knock me back down? Why do you keep doing that?

Goddammit, I'm so stupid sometimes I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself and put myself out of my misery.

Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't say things you know you're not going to do. Don't change your mind all the time. Don't make me believe you and then let me down. Don't keep disappointing me. Don't be so goddamn hot tempered. Don't make me hate you like this. Just leave me alone. I'm happier that way. And don't tell me I can't do that.

It's strange how a few hours ago I was all happy and laughing. Hah. Look at me now.

Currently listening to: The cars outside