You touch me like you are my blood

God.. it's all jumbled up. All messed up. Into a little yarn ball.

I don't know why I went up to his office. Did I just want to check out the environment? Did I want to just say hi? Did I plan on staying to talk for a short while? Did I want to see whether we could hold an actual conversation? Did I want to personally see a part of his life? Well, I don't know, really. But what I did know was the 2 hours we spent talking went by like it was 15 minutes. And that he smelled nice.

I wish for so many things, but I've never wanted anything more than this. I would've jumped at the very opportunity. I should be so thrilled. I should be so happy. But.. look at this. Look at this shit. What the hell. I would've loved this.

Please.. take him away. I'm just waiting. Why is it so hard? Why do I let myself go through this?

Can't believe I know someone who's still so young yet has "quite a few things under his belt". Is he good at making me feel useless or what? I mean, come on.. geeeeez. And here I am, trying to figure out how to begin my silly marketing essay.

I've always thought of myself as strong and never letting someone tie me down. Never letting anyone come in my way of making a decision. Hah, yeah right. Look at me now. How did I even get myself into this situation in the first place? Why the hell.. why did I take that road? I know I know.. there's no point pondering why such actions were taken, but I still can't help but wonder. What the hell was I thinking???? I still can't figure it out till this day, and when I do, I know I'll give myself a good bashing.

Why do I still try? Because I'm scared. Yes I'm friggin scared of you. Some things never change, hun, don't you get it? Some things do, and some things don't. And this is a don't. I know it's still somewhere inside of you. Please don't freakin mess with my head by saying it's no longer there.

I don't write anymore. I suppose I've become too paranoid of having my own thoughts and stuff being used against me. At least I can still release some tension here.. as you probably have no friggin clue what I'm on about. Hopefully that's the case, anyway.

I should crash. I'm useless. Bah.

Currently listening to: Jet - Look What You've Done