Staring into space like a dead China doll

Feeling constipated without the Internet and a mobile phone, so thought I'd just get a prepaid Internet dial-up account for the time being to put me out of my misery.

I'd say that I'm back in Melbourne, but that was 3 weeks ago. Man I love the weather here. Apart from when it rains, of course. Then I'll be cursing all the way with the bottom of my jeans' legs wet.

Oh my I've probably been at my cranky-est this week. Snapping at people. Glaring. Biting people off. Making grr-ing noises. Shutting myself off *bite* Yes it's a monthly routine.

I don't know what's going on. What's the deal? What's with him? Why aren't we talking anymore? What's happened? To be honest, he was one of the first people who I felt so comfortable being with and just being together with, physically or even just talking on the phone with. And I said no to those who asked about us. Lets just say I wasn't being completely honest. So what has happened now? It's awkward. Very awkward.

And that moves onto him. What's happened there as well? I'm compelled to say I had a gut feeling this would happen.. that we would drift apart within the 3 months of not being together.. which was one of the reasons why I didn't say yes. It's awkward, once again. I just don't understand what the hell happened.

And then there's him. I didn't realize how sarcastic I was or how much I mocked him until he mentioned it. Must say I'm flattered. Even overwhelmed. I think he intimidates me. It all adds up.. me having a crush on him when I was 8, him being the MIT hotshot, him working for Boston Consultant Group and his starting income being equal to what my parents spent years of hard work got them to. I'd like to put it in a way that I think too highly of him. Or that I'm just too stunned to know how to react. I was watching Good Will Hunting and even that film led my thoughts towards him. Perhaps as certain scenes were filmed at MIT.

And there's this him. The person with the most amazingly attractive sense of humour with an almost impossible blend of perfect sarcasm. Now, I'm a person who appreciates good sarcasm. I've never seen bigger biceps either.

I've noticed something - I use sarcasm to either make up for not knowing how to respond or to change the topic. Run away from reality and stay in princess land, as he puts it. I don't want responsibility. I just want to live life the way I want to - according to my emotions.

Some random things:

- Got a new pair of Tsubi jeans to get my bum into. Hurrah.

- Dropped my precious Vicious Threads badge at Notturno which a model gave to me during the '04 Autumn/Winter show =( Wasn't there anymore when I went back the next day. Sigh.

- I've discovered the wonders of what concealer can do to tell-tall signs of insufficient sleep.

- Java sucks.

- APPARENTLY, I got through to the FINAL ROUND of the Ragnarok Online Teen Beauty contest. Only 12 girls got to the finals. And that I had one of the highest votes with 78.4%. And that I could've bagged the first prize of RM2000 if I were around to attend the finals at KL. And that I was qualified to represent Malaysia to compete internationally. WTF?!?!

- Boost Juice opened up a new store just right outside my house! Heehehehhehe.

- God.. I get so annoyed when I see girls writing testimonials for their girl friends in Friendster and writing things such as, "I love this girl so much (but not in the lesbian way of course ok? hehehehehe)" OH MY GOD I just want to.. okay I won't say. It annoys me. SOOO MUCH. I don't know why. I mean.. love mah love lor.. haiyoooo. Want to add that in for whaaaaaat. As if people are going to misunderstaaaand. Sorry was too tempted to add in the Malaysian terms *smiles*

Rant officially over! For now, anyway.

Currently listening to: Elliot Smith - Miss Misery